we were told to dress up as a teacher..

we decided to go as Mr Higham

uncanny, huh.

RANT

AHHHHHHH. so angry

i cannot win with these people. 

GOERIOJGERPGMERGMRJGJNGTRMH;LGFGFLKGDLFKGLFKGLD,GLGM;DG

two of my closest friends have had a huge falling out over a boy. im trapped in the middle of them. if im friends with one, the other gets angry, if i go back to them, the other one gets furious. i can't get anything right. this has been going on for months, there is no way around it. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY. 

DO THEY NOT REALISE HOW HARD THEY ARE MAKING THIS FOR ME

words can't even express how furious i am at this situation. my hands are shaking with anger as i type. my breathing has risen to uncontrollable paces.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i just cannot stand girls

literally. they are the bane of my life. girls are so pathetic and BITCHY. like what is their problem, i swear i have no inclination inside me to be like that?
it seems in todays society (or at least mine) that the most popular girl actually turns out to be the most horrible, and she's only surrounded by giggling admirers cos they're too cowardly not to. i hate that. so what, in order to be liked i need to be the biggest stuck up queen bitch on the planet?
how silly of me, i always thought being a horrid person led you to unpopularity, oh how naiive i am.
it's strange, because what baffles me is, how do the 'popular' (bitches) group find eachother? i mean, most of them aren't exactly gifted in the looks department, and they're most definately not what i would classify as 'cool'. and the worst part is, its so blindingly obvious that none of them can stand eachother. what is it that draws them together? is it the need to feel accepted? the thirst for power? i will never know, all i know is, i am and will never be the same as them, nor understand what goes on in their heads. the thing that annoys me the most about them is, they will ignore you and treat you like the dirt on their shoes for most of the time, so when you go off and hang out with someone else, they get all upset and wonder why you aren't talking to them. they then latch onto you trying to drag you back under their power, so you stupidly give in and surrender to their friendship, wondering if they've turned over a new leaf...

nope, come monday morning you are back to being a beetle they wish they'd stepped on. your moments in the spotlight are over.

my sister's keeper

trust me, i am not a crier. i have been accused of having no heart at the amount of times  i will not cry at films or books. but today i watched my sister's keeper. and i can honestly say that my cheeks were dripping from start to finish. the subtle words and music reduced me to tears at least once in every scene, however i wanted to keep watching for more. it is about a young girl, brilliantly played, who was born to donate body organs to her sister who is suffering from leukemia. this heartbreaking tale follows anna through her strive to help her sister battle the cancer, but in the end, the inevitable happens. i felt horrifically choked up constantly, especially towards the end, but there was ongoing passion and trauma throughout. the most powerful film i have ever witnessed, and i am hard to please in this area. trust me.

winter blues

so yeah, winter's great for snuggling up by the fire with a movie surrounded by chocolate, but after a while and a few stone later, you begin to wonder why people crave winter so much. christmas is fun, yes, but no one hates more the experience of having to open presents in front of the person who bought it for you. feigning surprise and utter enthusiasm when you open book vouchers and a pencil case. even if the present is exactly what you wanted, the best present in the world; it still feels forced when you smile and thank them. i've always wondered why that is.

i want to be back in summer. back when slipping into tiny shorts and a tshirt was enough for the day. having to keep perfectly preened and bronzed all the time. not having a care in the world.
my favourite place to be, is probably with a becks in the sun, sitting outside a pub. salcombe, camden, they'll all do. the utter feeling you get when you are sitting there, sipping, breathing in the warm air, letting the cool breeze wash over you, knowing that what you are doing right now, isn't really impacting any major part of your life.
summer is the one time where you can let all your cares free and smile.

the past couple of days have been mysterious and drama filled to say the least.

yesterday i overdosed on pills.

ok so they were paracetemol and ibuprofen. but they were still strong enough to knock me out. feels like a milestone in my life. first suicide attempt. surely that's gotta be one for the grandkids?

ok so it wasn't a suicide attempt, i'm just an idiot who cannot be trusted. harsh but true.

started the day with a pounding migraine. couldn't see straight, complaining in class how i felt like my head was going to explode, followed by laughs from the piss taking lads in my class.
popped a couple of paracetamol. didn't do a thing. had another about an hour later. still nothing. well, i thought, this is ridiculous, if it isn't making any difference then it could do no harm but to take another one.
referred to the medical centre by my matron, i am given another dose of painkillers, guiltily slurping them down in silence, avoiding the trouble i'd be in if authority found out i keep over the counter drugs in my room. VERY AGAINST THE RULES.
as i was walking to dinner, i started to feel floppy and dizzy, my knees started to wobble and my hands proceeded to shake. i piled my plate high, putting the faintness down to lack of food, rushed to my seat, nervously steadying my tray and praying i wouldn't fall to the floor in front of everyone. wolfed down a large portion of sausage and mash. started to shake profusely as my face reddened and my temperature rose alarmingly. assuring myself that it was because i was still hungry, i rushed back up to the servery to collect another large helping. wolfed it down. shaking. hot. dizzy. head pounding. decided i had to leave. right now.
calmly walked out of the dining room accompanied by two friends when we bumped into some male company who proceeded to walk with us, cracking jokes and taking the piss. i opened my mouth to answer back, when slurred words and slow, uncontrollable peals of laughter came out. they immediately went on to loudly announce that i was very drunk, and even after my proclaims otherwise, told me that i would slowly start to bleed from every orofice. whatever that is.
got back to house, the room began to slowly spin, nauseau over took me, i grabbed out for the nearest object to me but it was too late, i felt the floor rolling from beneath my feet; the carpet edging closer and closer towards me. i crashed to the ground.

then i was out.

it's so weird having nothing to do
at boarding school our days are literally mapped out for us minute by minute; there is always some place i have to be
whereas now i am home for the week, this is my first night back and i am already sitting alone wondering what to do. if this were the case at school i would simply wander into the next room and see what my fellow house mates are getting up to.
whereas here..
facebooks so shit. i cannot bring myself to sit staring at it night after night this week.
i need to focus on my work and become a genius by january when i start taking the most important exams of my life.
i need to focus on my driving so i can gladly hold a pink license in my hand by christmas and live my own life.
or
I NEED TO GET I.D AND GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.

off on a beautiful trip to brighton with my absolute lover.
harry and greg are going on an adventure to the gay capital of the world. PERF.